The Argyle Sweater by Scott Hilburn for September 22, 2017

If you like it then you shoulda put an onion ring on it.

Forget about her, Tomato. They don’t call her iceberg for nothing.

Someone should tell him to leaf her alone, and to get the L out of there.

Hey boys, how ’bout a fight?

’Cause here comes Rickie with her girdle on tight.

It’s not because I’m dirty, it’s not because I’m clean

It’s not because I kiss the boys behind the magazines

they keep that up they’ll both get tossed

When they get married, Tomato will have to wear a cucumberbun. This is radishulas.

I know there are slim pickings in a bar this late at night,

but think about whether you could afford to date her on your celery.

She doesn’t actually carrot all about how much green you carry,

but you can see she’s way a head of you in maturity and size.

Also, she wasn’t raised locally…

I think maybe she speaks Spinach…

Before we eat, lettuce pray.

By herself in a salad bar – Leave her alone dude, she’s clearly a butterhead.

Gee…looks like someone could come up with a pun.

The bartender likes to “kale the shots.”

Won’t end well… she’s packing a salad shooter.

Is this place part of the “Lettuce Entertain You” chain?

honeymoon salad: let us alone with no dressing…

Tom-Aato is much more of a gentleman than the Spud who was dressing her with his eyes…

The Victorians used to cook lettuce.

Lettuce not begin with vegetable puns…I do not carrot all for them, they’re too expensive, especially on my celery, and, if you have one vegetable pun, you need a second one…it always pays to have a spare, I guess. When I hear a vegetable pun, all I can think is “bean there, done that.” So leave me alone, I’m going to kale it a day.