Tom the Dancing Bug by Ruben Bolling for May 06, 2000

Transcript:

the truth about Elian... Word of a boat from Cuba capsizing reaches Clinton. Bill: Send the military-trained dolphins to save any children! I have use for them! But a blunder foils Clinton's plan to use the boy for atheist propaganda. Nerd 1: A boy was rescued... We've placed him temporarily with a great-uncle in Miami. Bill: FOOL! The bond between great-uncle and great-nephew is PRIMAL! We'll NEVER get the boy now! Oh, goody! The Fidel hotline. I wonder if he's got cigars for me, or if he just wants to have some Commie chat... Fidel: Bill, we have a tape of you saying "I wuv oo" to Monica Lewinsky! Bill: Good lord! If that ever got out--it would ruin me! I'm utterly under your power! So what do you want, Fidel? A lift of the embargo? Most favored nation status? Nuclear technology? Fidel: No, I want the six-year-old boy. The Clinton White House must think fast... Nerd 2: We found a legal technicality to wrest the boy from the bosom of his great-uncle! Nerd 3: Apparently, when one parent dies, the law favors granting custody to the surviving parent! Bill: Hmm... You humans are so strange! When the valiant great-uncle resists, Clinton plans his malicious revenge! Nerd 3: So we'll negotiate for FIVE MONTHS, then we'll storm in, using an excessive show of force! Nerd 1: Just a SHOW of force?! No one gets HURT?! Bill: Our plan is to knock over their Virgin Mary statue! Oh, it will be so worth it! The real Elian obviously would hate to be reunited with his father, so a photo-op is arranged using a smiling CLONED Elian. Nerd 1: The clone's hair isn't exactly right... Nerd 2: No one will notice... Think about it: If the real Elian was truly happy, why wouldn't his father prove it by exposing him to a videotaped media circus every day? The truth is out there...